#002 (changes and reactions)

Originally posted on MySpace on Sunday, March 26, 2006

The day I felt the vocation to the priesthood was the last day of our pilgrimage in Israel. I was so excited and anxious. My plans for the future had suddenly been turned completely upside-down!

As far as my parents knew, before going to Israel, my plans had been to be an inventor. I've always wanted to be a great inventor/scientist like Albert Einstein, or Thomas Edison... that's why I'm fascinated by science-fiction. When I see science fiction, I try thinking to myself, "I know this is fiction, but what parts of this fictional theory/innovation are based on real science? what parts are missing to be discovered before this can become a reality?" However, a fascinated by science-fiction I may be, I'm still pragmatic enough to realize that if inventing were my "full-time job", I'd probably starve to death. I consider inventing to be an art-form, inspired and thus also, like musicians and painters, one must "get lucky" in order to "make it big". Therefore, as a "backup" plan, I thought I might go into medicine (so as to earn lots of money) as I find it interesting, and because I'm not the kind of person who'd faint at the sight of blood.

Now, try to imagine my parent's reactions when I come back from a week-long trip, announcing that I feel the vocation to become a priest. :-) ... my parents were definitely shocked, to say the least. When I cam home, I told my mom, and she was extremely happy to hear the news. My dad, on the other hand, told me that he thought I was crazy, that I shouldn't waste my life like that because, according to him, priests are child-molesters who hide under dresses (in reference to the priestly garments). He said I should find myself a girlfriend so that I'd see "what I was really missing" and I'd forget about wanting to become a priest. He also said that even if I did go on and become a priest, that I should definitely lose my virginity prior to that.

For the most part, I was glad that at least my mom supported me (she has always supported me) and hoped that my dad would one day understand. So I returned to school (I was in the tenth grade) so excited about the whole pilgrimage that when asked by a teacher to come to the front of the class and to tell something about my trip, I told them all that I could, as well as that I had felt the call to the priesthood. My class was very interested in the trip, and posed some questions regarding entering the priesthood, but, being that I had barely just felt the calling, I could not really answer most of their questions, as I was pretty clueless about the details myself.

So life went on, but a bit differently. I started to attend a weekly meeting of young men who took part in the Neocatechumenal Way and had felt the calling (it was called the "Vocational Center"). We met three out of every four Sundays. On the first Sunday, we would share our experiences from the week: how God was helping us, what were we confused about (spiritually), what doubts did we have regarding our lives and/or the calling, etc. The following week, we'd sit down together at a table, and "scrutinize" (to examine or observe with great care; inspect critically) the gospel passage of that Sunday for about an hour, and then we'd share how God had enlightened us through the scrutiny of the passage so that we may better understand our current circumstances, our actions/intentions, etc. On the following Sunday, we'd have a Eucharist (aka. mass) where we'd also have the opportunity to share with the others about our current circumstances, what God had been doing with us that week, etc. On the fourth Sunday, we didn't meet, so as to allow us to go to retreats with our Neocatechumenal Communities. (BTW, in case there's been any confusion, each person is part of 1 and only 1 Neocatechumenal Community.)

Then, a very interesting series of circumstances arose, of which I'm not quite sure whether or not I would have done things differently were I given the chance. I met this freshman girl, at my high school. She was friendly, sweet, outgoing, and definitely attractive. The problem that arose was that I could either continue going to the vocational center, which required that I not have a girlfriend, or I could choose to stop going to the vocational center and to ask this girl out on a date. I was faced with a dilemma. The dilemma was even further problematic after a conversation I had with her, in which I asked her what her religion was and she answered that she was Muslim, but wanted to convert to Wicca.

About a few weeks later, I was thinking about this dilemma on my way to a meeting of the vocational center. It was one of the Sundays on which we would be scrutinizing, and I entered into the "scrutazio" with this inner worry, about what I should do, and I asked God to please give me some guidance by way of the scrutazio. Although I've completely forgotten which reading it was that we were scrutinizing that Sunday, I remember clearly that all of a sudden, I dropped what I was doing, and began writing to God in more or less the tone of a letter, and the more I wrote, the more I heard what God was telling me. I guess you can compare it with chatting or IMing someone, but this was done all on paper, and God's answers didn't appear on the page, but rather, I could feel Him talking to me, so I continued writing, asking God what I should do. I remember that somehow, at the end, I just knew that I should not chase after this girl, and after that, whenever I saw her in the hallways, I'd think about how much I liked her, but at the same time, remember that God had revealed that I shouldn't do anything about the fact that I liked her.

It is interesting for me to be writing this, because writing this, I can see things that God has done in my life, times that He has spoken to me, revealed things to me, and that yet, I am still so rebellious against Him, and still often doubt of His desire that I be happy. This particular of my tale, I've long forgotten, and only remembered, because of my trying to detail the events of my life step by step. There have been so many times that I have thought about this girl... wondered "what if"... what if I'd asked her out instead of continuing in the vocational center?... what if I had not cared that she is/was Muslim, but wanted to convert to Wicca?... what if she hadn't suddenly moved away after her freshman year?... what if I'd just asked her for her email address?... what if?... what if?... and yet, writing this, it has helped me realize that it was just "not meant to be"... that I did do the right choice in following what God revealed to me in that scrutazio... and that I should not have continued wondering "what if" for 5 years after the last time I saw her...

Well, to continue with the story, the next big thing I remember happening after this, was my going on the second pilgrimage of my life, just a few short months after coming back from Israel... the pilgrimage to Rome!